It’s the beginning of the New Year and it’s often the time
when we all reflect on the year that has just passed. We look at our health,
money, relationships and our working life, as we do we question the good and
the bad parts and often what has made us happy and what has made us sad or
feeling down. I did this after my New Year Eve,
I reflected on all the things in my life and how it has all made me feel.
Reflecting on my sex life and
relationships from the past year has been hard. Last year provided many ups and
downs along with many lessons in my personal life. Reflecting on what makes me
happy or sad in this part of my life has made me think about my experiences and
how they affected me and what things I need to change to create a happier and
well-rounded future. Having had a few
experiences in relationships and different sexual partners, I discovered that many things need to change. I
do not regret my past year because I took much away and learnt a lot,
what I learnt is trust, respect, been true to
yourself and having self-importance to be held close and of great importance to
create healthy relationships.
Early into last year, I ended
a relationship that lasted quite a few months, I gave this relationship a lot
of time and effort to try and make it work with this man. Who was a good guy
and I felt all his love and knew he truly loved me. The reason it didn’t work
is due to the lack of trust. I learnt how important trust is to me and to help
create a healthy and happy relationship. I still talk to this man and know he
will always be there for me if I was ever to need him. I learnt what been loved
felt like and I will ever be grateful to him for that. All relationships need
trust to be successful, without this, it's hard to move forward and allow each
other or others be their full and real self.
After this relationship had ended
surprisingly to me I didn’t need sex and I didn’t require male company for a
few months, I was happy just to be on my own. After a while, I craved sex again
and started to seek this in the form of friends with benefits (FWB) after a
short search on some dating/pickup sites I felt I managed to find one. While I
was in the FWB thing, I continued to put myself out there. I started to get to
know a man who seemed put together lovely and quite interested in me. I, the
fearful of relationships girl didn’t take myself off the market and meet a man
that seemed just to speak to my soul. Hurting the well put together man to
start a serious relationship with this new man wasn’t the funniest of
experiences I have been through.
A new man and a new
relationship all seemed to be going well until, I found myself not having my
needs in the bedroom meet. This made it difficult and this strained the very
new relationship, we started to fight and I still to this day do not understand
how a man isn’t interested in sex at all unless they had been drinking,
especially having sex with me. I will never know the full truth of what was
going on for him and I have become ok with this. He had spoken to my soul but
he didn't talk my language. I learnt that even though it feels right in some
ways, it may not always be the right thing for us. We ended it and I became
single again.
Heading back to previous men
that I have been interment with wasn’t all that hard I was craving sex and I
knew who I could get it from. I fond myself often calling these men my friends
I think we have a more understanding of having needs and we can fulfil them for
each other complication free.
I was out on the town with
one of my best friends when I ran into the guy before the last who didn’t cope
well with the rejection. I ended up speaking to him that night, we agreed to
coffee and a chat about what had happened and where we were at and apology for past
hurt feelings and things been said. We decided FWB is something we both was
looking for. I made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship and we
both created some rules to protect ourselves from been hurt.
The sex was incredible and
fulfilling, I couldn’t get enough and he seemed to be the same. Squirting and orgasming
like I had not in such a long time we connected well in the sex department. I
was craving more of the sex because it just satisfied me but seemed to only
last short periods of time. I craved more and more and wanted more and more.
Sex was fantastic and I just couldn’t get enough I seemed to be orgasming
stronger than I had for a while and it all felt great.
On the flip side to all this
the emotional part became difficult. Came to the point where our worlds were
merging and I was feeling like I couldn’t take breath’s and that a relationship
was intimate. This all freaks me out, especially when I am not wanting one. I
found this man saying and doing things to get an emotional reaction out of me
and twisting things.
My friends found similar traits in this guy as they have done
from their own experiences with men who have manipulated them. They were shocked because I am strong and independent
women never asking and rarely accepting help from others. I stand up for myself
and for what I believe in. So when my friends saw me allowing this man to treat
me the way he was, they were shocked. I am a women who take care of herself,
kids, friends and family and always stands up for those close and important to
her. I am too tough to ask for aid and way too stubborn to admit I need help.
So for them to see me allowing a man to manipulate and control me the way he
had been was worrying for them to see. Now before I set men off in the
wrong direction, please know I am very
well aware women are capable and have done this to men as well. I have seen
this happen to men in my life too.
My friends became worried but never really said too much as
they support me in anything that makes me happy. This is something admittedly I
need to work on in support of my friends choices. Standing up for me in moments
when this man spoke to me in a passive aggressive manner and I wasn’t as aware
of it happening was the start of myself noticing the goings on.
A day started like any other with the usual get breakfast
and planning out the day. We made plans
and well the day didn’t run to plan and this
doesn’t sit well with a controlling person and one that needs things to be as
intended all the time. I am a person who loves to plan and be organised and its
taken a while and a new best friend to teach me that going with the flow isn’t
a bad thing. Adapting and adjusting is a good trait to have.
The beginning of the flip out
began with the passive aggressive behaviour. Moving forward and changing plans
a couple of times didn’t help a person that likes to be in control. The drinking before heading out for dinner
and celebrations began. This man had far too much to drink and further bad
behaviour and treatment started. This happened in front of more of my friends
and later in front of his own friends too. Dinner wasn’t the most enjoyable
time, with inappropriate behaviour and words.
Then the last straw
happened when entry refusal to a club happened and another altercation and
emotional abuse happened. I am glad I had
my friends close by because this experience made me realise how I was treated. The end of the FWB began.
Is great sex worth it? I stayed in a long relationship not
just because I cared but because the sex was incredible. I then stay in this semi-abusive FWB situation for the same reason.
Was it and is it really worth this emotional
anguish and pain? In short no it’s not
worth it at all, we as a person deserve much better even from just a sex
partner. If we don’t feel happy, safe, respected and have the ability to be who
we are, it isn’t worth it. Losing ourselves for sex is not who we should be and
it sure isn’t who I want to be I am worth far more than that.
Realising our own worth and that it is better then been
emotional abused, controlled or any other form of abuse, just for sex. Sex is
an amazing thing that is something we should enjoy and love but not at the cost
of our self-worth.
Reflecting back on my past year of all the emotional ups and
downs I learnt that my friends are there for me no matter what and they want the best for me. I am worth way more than I have been giving myself credit for. Sex
isn’t worth giving up all that I believe in, I love, crave and need sex but I sure am going to make sure this year I remain
true to myself and not focus on sex as much. Given I am a sex addict and I love sex
this may be proven difficult, sex toy investments and some emotional soul
searching with other lifestyle changes I
think I can do this.
Always remember your self-worth
and always stay true to you. Sex is a part of who we are but not something that
should consume us or make us become someone that’s not who we are. Reflection is a good thing and learning my
own value and to see signs of any kind relationship that isn’t good for me.
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